I had the privilege of working with Joe Cox at Every Generation Ministries for several years.
Joe loves Jesus Christ, loves children, and really believes in these five principles of effective children’s ministry: Relationship, Experience, Truth, Discussion, Response.
At one of our regular Tuesday staff meetings, Joe shared a story that no one in attendance will ever forget.
Joe was one of the adults teaching a Sunday school class. After the Bible truth was presented—the lesson had been about temptation—Joe gathered his group of boys aged 9, 10, and 11. Joe was working through the discussion questions, and things were going well. Then he asked if any of the boys wanted to talk about temptations they face.
After some silence, one of the boys, with his head hanging, said he was tempted to look at things on the internet that he shouldn’t. He was ten years old, and Joe knew that he was talking about pornography. Joe looked around at the group, and every single boy had his head down. Not one of them could make eye contact with Joe.
He was so brokenhearted for the boy who had courageously spoken up, and then he realized that the entire small group faced that same struggle. It was both sobering and amazing that those boys trusted Joe enough to confide in him.
Creating that kind of ministry environment where children can share what is really on their hearts does not just happen. Joe had worked for months to create an atmosphere like that.
Here are some of the principles that Joe and our other team members have taught for years that can help you build that kind of open, honest group setting.
Oversee the Size of Small Groups
The heading for this section might read “Principles for Leading a Small-Group Discussion,” but I know very well that in some settings, small is relative.
I once saw our East Africa Coordinator lead a Sunday school class in a large evangelical Anglican Church. The normal teaching team was struck by the flu, so he was leading it by himself. The discussion time involved a group of fifty children. Needless to say, participation was limited to a few and did not impact the vast majority of the children.
The smaller the group, the more effective the discussion will be. If the group gets too big, children will not talk openly. Also, the trickier, harder-to-navigate dynamics of the bigger group will inhibit discussion.
An ideal small-group size is six, seven, or eight children. In some cases, mature older children or teens can help lead children in a small-group discussion. The size of each small group is determined by the total number of children divided by the number of available teachers. If that’s one teacher for every fifty children, you have a problem.
A meaningful discussion in that kind of group is impossible. To have a fruitful discussion time, we need a group of ten or fewer children. Maybe you need to find more small-group leaders.
Establish a Safe Environment
Small-group discussion requires an environment where children feel safe and secure enough to express their feelings and talk openly about those feelings.
The group leader is responsible for setting the tone, and being a careful listener is key.
In addition to requiring time and energy, our efforts to listen well will be challenged in at least three ways.
- Many children will want to goof around until they realize that the Discussion time is valuable, meaningful, and worth participating in. Our careful, patient listening shows our genuine interest in the children whose problems are always, to them, big problems.
- Some children will avoid talking about anything meaningful. Although they’re dealing with family issues, problems at school, sibling rivalry, or a host of other issues, they will be extremely hesitant to share openly in a group of their peers. These children need our patience, our heartfelt concern, and perhaps some special attention of some kind.
- Most children will want to get the right answers even with open-ended questions that have no right/wrong answer. In their attempt to answer “correctly,” we may hear the standard “Jesus” answer or perhaps something more creative that they think will please us. These children need to hear us gently say that they don’t need to give a right answer, that this is instead an opportunity to talk from their heart about what they really think. Sometimes the “right” answer is the answer that is genuine and from the heart, not right as opposed to wrong. The leader must discern.
Manage Group Dynamics
Try to involve everyone in the discussion. That means give quiet children chances to speak and don’t let any one child monopolize the conversation.
Preparing your questions in advance and guiding the discussion according to the Lesson Aim can help the small-group time go smoothly.
Be sensitive to the kids who come for the first time and try to involve them in the conversation. Don’t let any of them feel like an outsider.
Sit at the children’s level. Learn—and use—their names. Make eye contact when you speak to them.
Use an activity or game designed to get everyone participating. For example, give all the children a puzzle piece and when they contribute to the discussion, ask them to put their piece into the puzzle. You can also give children a stone or a wooden block, and students can help build something as they add to the conversation.
Lead by Example
Study the Bible passage ahead of time and let God use it in your life so that you are prepared to answer the questions yourself.
Remember, children know whether you’re speaking from the heart or just going through the motions. If you want the children to be honest in their answers, be open and honest when you speak about your feelings.
Also, when you share, be sure your stories are age appropriate. A children’s Sunday school class or midweek meeting is probably not the time for you to talk about your deepest struggles.
Pastor the Children
Take a real interest in each child’s life—in their home and school situations, what they like to do, the friends they have, what is happening in their everyday life, etc.—and let them know beyond a doubt that you care.
The Discussion time is a great opportunity to build relationships with the children. After all, you can’t help them connect the Word of God to their real life if you don’t know anything about their real life.
I was the lead teacher one Sunday morning, and we must have had more than fifty kids in the sixth-grade class. They were full of energy because it was the last week of school before summer break.
When I finished the Bible teaching on forgiving others as Christ has forgiven you, I looked across the room only to see Michael applying the teaching… by punching another boy. Before we could get there, they were on the floor wrestling. Yes, at church.
Two weeks earlier I had driven to Michael’s house. He had been adopted by a wealthy family that lived in a mansion about one block from the beach. His parents were going to a wedding, they had asked me to babysit the kids for the weekend, and I was looking forward to it. They had three boys, and Michael was the youngest.
Michael’s mom went over the meals, rules, soccer games for boys, etc., and then they were ready to head off. When they got in the car, the mom handed me an envelope and told me to read it, saying they knew I was the perfect person to be with the boys that weekend.
I walked inside and opened the envelope. I was completely shocked by what I read: they had just told the boys that they were getting divorced. They were also very glad that I would be there to counsel and console the boys. I could not believe it! Michael already had abandonment issues, and he was understandably distraught.
The older boys were in shock, yet already blaming themselves. It was one of the worst weekends of my life, and thirty-five years later I still cannot believe that parents would do that to their children.
Back to that Sunday morning. Another teacher and I pulled Michael and the other boy apart. I took Michael outside to talk. I was so thankful that I’d just spent a weekend with him and knew what was going on in his life.
Be Patient
Children will need time to learn to trust you as well as their peers before they open up. Don’t be discouraged if after the first few weeks, some children still won’t share what they’re actually thinking or feeling.
If you’re leading the group, remember that you’re working to overcome years of conditioning that every question has a right and a wrong answer. Literally hundreds of times I’ve seen children’s workers ask a discussion question and get crickets, especially with open-ended questions.
Leaders can’t stand the silence, so they share their answers to the questions. As this continues, the teacher ends up having a small-group discussion with themself.
Even though the children will be slow to be vulnerable, continue to encourage them and maybe nudge one or two ahead of time to be your helper by sharing. However, no matter how many weeks the thaw will take, the discussion that results will absolutely be worth the wait!
In the meantime, give children time to answer and don’t be afraid of silence. Sometimes it takes a few moments for children to figure out their response and feel confident enough to share it.
After my years of ministry work, I am convinced that the Discussion aspect of Bible teaching is crucial because that’s when the Word of God intersects with the real life of boys and girls.
The Discussion time is also an opportunity for God to use leaders in children’s lives in amazing ways. When children open up, leaders realize both the joy and the challenges they experience when they choose to live for Jesus Christ.
Talking about those challenges as well as the joy can make Discussion time a crucible of transformation. In those moments you can build and strengthen relationships with the children, counsel them about their life situations, and really be used by God in their life.
Connecting the Word of God to Real Life
I’m concerned that in some children’s ministries, the children play fun games, sing happy songs, listen to, or watch a Bible story video, answer questions that have one right answer, memorize a Bible verse, and maybe do a craft or another activity.
Tragically, we send them home having never connected the Word of God to their real life.
Children have issues in life just as we adults do. So, I can’t emphasize enough that connecting God’s Word to their life is essential. The Bible is not merely a collection of stories about Adam and Eve, David, and Goliath, Jesus walking on water, or Lazarus being raised from the dead.
The Bible is God’s Word that we should teach in a way that helps children integrate that transformative truth into their real life.